Patriarchy Hurts Men Too

Toby said-So does that mean that if someone says 'the patriarchy hurts men too' that they actually mean 'you don't understand that women have it far worse than men, stop pretending that you suffer as well. It might hurt you but you don't have to suffer it'?

And I said - WTF? But with bigger words. And this is my proper response. And also a bit of an explantion of why I've found some of the comments by him and Alan on other posts so annoying.

'Patriarchy Hurts Men Too' is an acknowledgement that men suffer too. And that is a valid thing to talk about. No-one is asking men to pretend that they don't suffer.

Lots of feminists do write about men and feminism, for example Hugo Schywzer on his blog and Jessica Valenti included a whole chapter on men and feminism in her book. In fact most feminist bloggers talk about how gender roles effect men some of the time.

If you want to write about how gender roles hurt men, that's fine. It is a very interesting discussion, and it's something that as a culture we need to talk about.

But it's not OK to demand that I, or any other feminist blogger, write about it every time we talk about how patriarchy impacts on women. It is incredibly frustrating when men try to divert a conversation about a problem which is primarily a women's problem by complaining that the discussion isn't focusing enough on men. Feminism is firstly about helping women. There is nothing wrong with that. In the same way that it would be ridiculous to ask anti-racism campaigners to focus on the problems of white people, it is ridiculous to ask feminists to focus on the problems of men.

The cry of "What about teh menz!!!" is a tactic used by trolls. I've seen it many times on many feminist blogs. It's often, but not always, a way of trying to derail the conversation. Which is why I find it so irritating when someone does it here.

I know sometimes it comes from the idea that we are all people, and that therefore it's silly to ignore the problems of the other sex, or that just talking about the problems of one sex emphasises the division. But the thing is there are problems that do exclusively or predominantly harm women. It's ridiculous and counter productive to ignore that.

I know doesn't feel very nice to read something which completely ignores your entire gender. I've been there - I'm female. The politics texts I'm reading for Oxford use 'men' to mean 'people' and 'people' to mean 'men'. History is primarily written by men about men. Newspapers are primarily written by men, about the doings of men. Oh, there's a women's section. Because the rest of the paper is for men, you see, and can't be expected to deal with women's issues.

There are chic flics, chic lit novels, women's magazines. Marketed in such a way that women's status as the 'other' is further emphasised. There is literature, and then there is women's literature. Half of the human race is framed as the exception. And all of those things aimed at women tend to talk primarily about men, how to keep them and please them and make them orgasm.

There's something called the Bechdal-Wallace rule. To meet this rule a movie has to have at least two women, who talk to each other about something other than a man. Few movies pass. Can you think of a single film without two men in it?

I don't think about this stuff often. Partly because it upsets me. Partly because it's something I've lived with forever. Something that is so universal I barely notice it.

All that crap means that sometimes the entire rest of the world feels like it belongs to men, is unquestionably men's space. So when on my blog I write about an issue that primarily effects women, I'm carving out a little bit of space for women. Somewhere I can talk about the reality of being female, and the impact that has on my life.

I'm happy for men to participate in that discussion. As long as they understand that it is not all about them. I've read some bloggers argue because men have the rest of the world being all about them, they get threatened by anything which isn't. Because it's so different from the experience of the rest of their lives. Maybe there's some truth in that.

So, male readers, when I write about something from a female perspective, think before you comment. Listen to what I'm actually saying. Don't assume I'm just ranting about how terrible men are. Don't assume that I don't think men have problems. Don't assume I'm being oversensitive. Don't assume I'm trying to silence you. Don't assume I haven't thought about what I'm saying. Don't assume that you know more about feminism than me. Don't tell me I'll win more men over if I'm nicer to them.

And for fuck's sake don't ask me to ignore that sexism exists.